Crazy Catholic Question #87: Loneliness

I feel lonely often. Is this a spiritual problem? A deficit? If so, what is the remedy?
We all feel it from time to time even if we come from strong families and have ample social bonds, we still have moments where we feel alienated, misunderstood, excluded, like we are missing something of deep significance, but we are not sure exactly what. There is in each of us a certain empty space that just won’t be filled.

Loneliness is not a new problem, but some sociologists tell us that it is an intensifying problem. Some label loneliness the epidemic of this age fueled by the so called ‘break down of the family,’ the prevalence of divorce, our constant mobility, more automation and less human interaction in our day to day errands, and our pervasive modern media that presents unrealistic ideals of relationships.

Ronald Rolheiser suggests in his book “The Restless Heart” that we should pay special attention to our loneliness. Rather than trying to ignore of our feelings of loneliness by getting really busy, sending lots of emails, watching lots of TV, nightly shopping sprees, or submerging ourselves into our work or home improvement projects, Rolheiser suggests that our loneliness is communicating something very significant to us about who we are if we listen to the experience.

The Chinese word for “crisis” comes from a combination of the words “danger” and “opportunity.” We all easily recognize the destructive potential of loneliness, but, surprisingly, many of our tradition’s greatest theologians see our inevitable loneliness also as a great opportunity for spiritual growth. They say, loneliness itself is not necessarily an unhealthy emotion, it just depends on our response to it. We need to be alert to both the dangers and the potential of this very powerful, universal human tendency towards loneliness.

St. Thomas Aquinas defines human loneliness as our innate thirst for oneness, with God, others and nature. He bids us to look sensitively and, through the eyes of faith, see that our loneliness is our God designed thirst for love and community; our longing for right relationships; a desire to be part of the intimate oneness of creation as God originally intended; a readiness and hunger to receive and give love in response to the darkness that sometimes envelopes us.

St Thomas states that this oneness is the very end for which we were made; the only thing that will ultimately satisfy us. From such a perspective, loneliness is a valuable and necessary force in our lives. It is the force that drives us to keep searching, to keep reaching. It is the force that will not let us isolate comfortably or settle for the things that are fleeting and unreal such as fame, wealth, success, and pleasure; those things that will never truly gratify us.

Our loneliness, on our better days, keeps us always focused on the end for which God made us. We are told often in the scriptures that God is love. God IS the hope, the glue, the “stuff” of right relationships with each other, our world, and our selves. By listening to our inner urges and desires, and our loneliness, God has written the divine dream for us right into the very structures of our heart, mind, and body. What truly endures in times of strife and struggle are our relationships rooted in the love that is the essence of God. Loneliness is, in a sense, God’s imprint in us, constantly telling us where we should be going - towards love, sometimes reluctantly, pulling us out of our protective shells to build relationships – the backbone of the kingdom that Jesus preached.