Crazy Catholic Question #17: Conflict

I pray and pray for my family and still we have so many conflicts and struggle to get along.  Where is God in all this?

This weekend we celebrate the feast of the Holy Family.  Mary, Jesus and Joseph come to mind when we think of a “Holy” family, especially during this Christmas season.  It is unlikely that in the wake of this month of non-stop holiday gatherings, weary from this intense season of interaction, that “Holy” would be the first word to roll off our tongues when talking about our own families though.  

Our families are much too dysfunctional, tense and fraught with conflict to be truly “Holy,” right?  We are convinced that that Jesus was misquoted.  Surely, he must have said "where two or more are gathered in my name, there's bound to be an argument!"   And yet our tradition insists that our families, our relationships, are the primary place of God’s activity in the world.  

Many of us have grown up with the notion that disagreements are failures. But nothing could be further from the truth.   Disagreements are inevitable.  It’s really not a question of IF conflict will arise, but WHEN.   As Pope Francis has been reminding us lately - frank, honest dialogue, especially on difficult subjects is essential to personal and communal growth; like resistant strength training – no pain no gain.

It is in and through our conflicts that we uncomfortably receive God’s grace and revelation and cultivate a deeper intimacy and true communion with one another.   God’s revelation is rarely discovered in isolation, and revelation in community can be painful, like putting a bunch of jagged rocks into a burlap bag and shaking them for 5, 10, 20, 50 years.  Through ‘rubbing each other wrong’ our jagged edges become smooth; we become well-rounded people.  We have insights we could never have achieved independently.

God is present and working with great intensity in our conflicts.  Our goal is to resolve disagreements in such a way that the relationship is stronger afterwards than it was before.  As the body of Christ, we are called to be a model of this process.    As tough, tricky, and emotionally draining as resolving conflict maybe, reconciliation is not an option, but an imperative for Jesus’ followers; it is the very heart of the paschal mystery.  The easy-outs of seclusion, individualism and indifference are the opposite of Jesus’ vision for our world. 

More and more I find myself dreading the moment when I’m at my kid’s school, the doctor’s office, or in line at the grocery store and the person I’m talking to finds out that I’m a minister and feels compelled, in what I sometimes sense is a feeble effort to disguise their criticism, to explain to me that he or she is “spiritual but not religious.”   This is often said in such a way that implies that they grasp some daring insight that we church-going simpletons have yet to discover.  

Quite frankly, I don’t find being privately, independently, “spiritual but not religious” very impressive.  There is nothing particularly challenging about that choice.

What I find heroic is doggedly doing this work in community, where other people might call you out on stuff and we are called to sacrifice a little bit of this or that for the good of all.  Our saints tell us that real spiritual growth and insight arrive more often through our arduous, energy-sapping work of lovingly resolving our disagreements than by throwing up our hands and resigning to pray in isolation. 

I admire people who hope in the communion of saints and who are brave enough (or perhaps stubborn enough), to believe that God is best encountered in a real human community and audacious enough to believe that in our life together we are surreptitiously building the kingdom of God, one challenging relationship at a time. 

Crazy Catholic Question #16: Christmas

I pray just fine at home. Why do I have to come to Church?

Well, frankly, you don’t have to come to church. Odds are you haven’t been to Mass in quite awhile and you have managed to survive…even thrive. You love and care for your friends and family, you pray, you give to your favorite charities, you recycle & vote. You are a good, compassionate person who works hard and likes to sleep in on Sunday. Or perhaps you are a parent of a bunch of little people who is weary of the struggle to get all your reluctant family members dressed and out the door only to end up spending half the Mass comforting or chasing your child in the vestibule which makes the whole effort seem rather futile. The more pointed question might be “Why go to Mass at all?” What is the value and gain of being here each week?

Personally, I think the onus to answer that question is on us. We (the community here at Christ the Redeemer) need to communicate the value of “hanging-your-hat” with us and why we believe that working and praying together is more effective and closer to Jesus’ dream for our world than operating individually. But, words can only take us so far...

See, the thing about the Sacraments and the experience of Christian community is that you can’t really explain them…or read about them. Explaining Eucharist or Communion is like trying to explain or put into words what a deep, long kiss is like. The metaphysics of a kiss sound strange and maybe even a little bit gross, but when you experience it firsthand there is no denying its beauty and power. So too with coming to Mass. It is an experience that slowly transforms us, but it’s not something easily put into words or something we can truly grasp the full significance of by reading or praying about it quietly, alone at home.

Author Rev. Nadia Bolz-Weber points out that when Jesus said “where two or more are gathered in my name I am with you” it wasn’t because he was some kind of diva who needed a guaranteed minimum audience before showing up. Rather it means that God is to be found in our relationships and in the way we hold each other up in the faith in tough times and even sometimes in our conflicts and struggles. From the very beginning, faith has always been a team sport. And maybe that is because there are some things about ourselves, God and life that we simply cannot learn on our own, but need to be part of a community to discover.

If your experience of Mass here this Christmas has in anyway touched on a faint but rather persistent longing you have been aware of lately, and you suspect that this longing may be “of God,” we want to heartily invite you to come pray with us again. If you have been away for a long while, no worries, we all have gaps here and there. None of us are ever “behind” in our spiritual lives. We are exactly where God intends us to be. We will all be richer for your presence. (Bonus: We offer great childcare during Mass and tasty and plentiful donuts after Mass, and having three kids myself, I know the power and enticement of ‘the donut’ for the kiddos!)

We are offering an informal “Welcome” presentation after Mass on Sunday, Jan. 4th at 12:15pm (childcare provided) for those of you kicking around the idea of reconnecting. We will offer a very brief overview of our CTR theology and vision of what we think “being” church to one another looks like and we would very much like to hear what we can do to make your time with us meaningful and lasting. We can also answer any questions you may have about getting your kids “caught up” on all the sacraments, etc.

I write this little “Crazy Catholic Question” article for the bulletin each week, so please consider submitting a question of your own! There are no topics that are off-limits or questions too scandalous to ask. If you would like to browse my fledging blog please visit crazycatholicquestions.blogspot.com.

I sincerely hope you and your family enjoy the rest of this holy season. Without exception, your ideas, good-spirit and unique theological point of view are valued and very welcome here.

Merry Christmas,
Lisa Brown,
Director of Religious Education/Office of Family Ministry, dre@ctredeemer.org

#15: Relatives to church?

How can I get my relatives to come to church? Well, frankly, we can’t.  We have no control over the choices our adult relatives make and the more we push, the more likely they are to pull away.  But we are not powerless either…

During Advent we ponder the mystery of the Incarnation.  We believe that, in Jesus, God came to be with us right here in our history and is still alive and living with us now, gathering a community, the Body of Christ, to transform the world with the love that he embodied. 

Fr. Ron Rolheiser points out that when we say that we are "the Body of Christ" it is not an exaggeration or a metaphor.  Our scriptures do not say "we represent" or "replace" or "symbolize" Jesus, they just say "We ARE the body of Christ."  The incarnation is not something that happened long ago, but rather continues in us right at this moment.  A story…

There was a woman who, in the midst of great suffering, wanders into her empty church, sits down, closes her eyes and fervently prays, “God, I am in great pain and I need to know you are with me.  I know I’m not supposed to ask for miracles or signs, but I’m at the end of my rope.  Please, I beg of you, give me a sign of your presence.”

And she keeps repeating this last line, “Please, I need a sign of your presence.”  She waits a long while, eyes closed tight, and all of a sudden she feels a hand on her shoulder!  Her stomach flips and for a moment she is paralyzed.  Could it be that God is actually touching her shoulder as a sign of support?!?

She slowly turns and sees behind her one of her friends.  The woman can’t hide her disappointment.  Her friend says, “You seem distressed, can I help you in anyway?”  The woman explains how she thought her friend was God touching her on the shoulder, and her friend asks “But, what hand did you think God would use?”

St. Theresa of Avila writes:Christ has no body now but yours,No hands, no feet, on earth but yours.Yours are the eyes through which He looks compassion on this world.Yours are the feet with which He walks to do good.Your are the hands with which He blesses all the world.Christ has no body now on earth but yours.

Fr. Rolheiser says “We all have relatives and friends who don’t come to Mass with us anymore.  They have been hurt or feel unaccepted and we pray for them, but we also do much more.   If our touch is Christ’s touch, then by loving and forgiving our alienated friends and relatives, in so far as they receive love and forgiveness from us, they are receiving love and forgiveness from God. 

Not unlike the woman who touched the hem of Jesus’ garment and was healed from 11 years of sickness, WE are the hem of Jesus’ garment for others, connecting them to the body of Christ. 

Maybe your child no longer goes to church, no longer prays, no longer respects your faith and is openly agnostic or atheistic. What can you do?

You can continue to pray for them and live out your own faith, hoping that your example will have power where your words are ineffectual. But you can do even more.
You can continue to love and embrace them and insofar as they receive that love and forgiveness from you, they are receiving love and forgiveness from God!  Since you are part of the Body of Christ, when you love them Christ is loving them.

Part of the wonder of the incarnation is the astonishing fact that we can do for each other what Jesus did for us!  Our love and forgiveness are the cords that connect our loved ones to God, to salvation, and to the community of saints, even when they are no longer walking the path of explicit faith.”

#14: Suicide

Can someone who is a victim of suicide have a Catholic funeral and be buried in a Catholic cemetery?

Next Sunday marks the 7th anniversary of a dear friend of mine’s death. My friend Evelina was a victim of suicide. At the time of her death I was consumed with guilt, thinking that as a trusted friend and minister I could have somehow saved her life if I would have just done a little more, been more attentive and present. Had I been a better listener…maybe…what if?

Fr. Ron Rolheiser writes once a year on the topic of suicide and I remember his column being absolute balm to my soul that year we lost Evelina. This time of year suicide seems to touch too many of our lives, so below are some quotes and paraphrasing of Fr. Ron’s comforting, wise words. (FYI: his columns are archived and available on his website at www.ronrolheiser.com.)

Suicide is the most misunderstood of all diseases. Suicide is a disease that takes people out of life against their will. It is the emotional equivalent of a heart attack. We tend to think that since suicide is self-inflicted that somehow it is a choice; voluntary and avoidable in a way that physical illness or accidents are not. For most suicides, this isn’t true. Suicide is a fatal emotional breakdown, an emotional stroke, emotional cancer – not something the victim chooses. The act that ended their lives was not a freely chosen one. They did not “kill themselves” out of arrogance or ego, like Hitler…they were a victim of a deadly illness, so there is no sin to be forgiven.

Having been born in the late 60’s in the wake of Vatican II, I find it unthinkable that in earlier times, people would have been denied funeral rites and even burial in a Church cemetery after such a tragedy. I can’t imagine how this cruel practice compounded the already unbearable pain of family and friends suffering the loss of their loved one. Thankfully, mercifully, justly our Canon Law no longer lists suicide as an impediment to funeral rites or church burial. Please, spread the word! We Catholics have come to our senses!

“Suicide is an illness not a sin. Nobody calmly decides to commit suicide and burden his or her loved ones with that death any more than anyone calmly decides to die of cancer. The victim of suicide (in all but rare cases) is a trapped person, caught up in a fiery, private chaos that has its roots both in his or her emotions and in his or her bio-chemistry. Suicide is a desperate attempt to end unendurable pain, akin to one throwing oneself through a window because one’s clothing is on fire.”

We need not worry about the eternal salvation of a suicide victim, believing (as we used to) that suicide is always an act of ultimate despair for which we are culpable. God is infinitely more understanding and merciful than we are and God’s hands are infinitely safer and more gentle than our own. We need not doubt for a second that those we have lost to suicide are in God’s strong and full embrace.

SPECIAL NOTE: For those among us who may be called to provide the initial help to someone showing symptoms of mental illness or a mental health crisis, Common Ground offers an AMAZING “Mental Health First Aid” training program (www.commongroundhelps.org). With enough interest we could hold a training day right here at CTR. The hope is that this kind of training would become as common place as CPR and Medical First Aid training and certification. Please be in touch if you feel God calling you to this important and urgent ministry.

#13: John the Baptist

Do biblical prophets tell the future?  Is there a reason John the Baptist is so prominently featured in our Advent readings?  

John the Baptist reminds me of that classic John Shea line: “You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you odd.”  This gruff, gaunt,  “in-your-face” “call em as you see em” prophet dressed in a ragged camel hair, reeking of bug breath and the poverty of desert discipline isn’t exactly the cozy Christmas character we might expect at this time of year. 

He isn’t the subject of our cheery ceramic decorations or pre-lit lawn ornaments.  You won’t find him featured in heart-warming holiday films or as a sugar cookie figure.  And though he visits us in the scriptures each Advent, you won’t receive any Hallmark cards depicting him in your mailbox this season.  Can you imagine?  “Greetings from our house to yours!  Our thoughts of you are best expressed in the words of John the Baptist:  ‘Repent!  You brood of vipers!’…. Merry Christmas from the Browns."

So often when we hear the word “prophet,” images of soothsayers with a crystal ball come to mind.  But that image is light years away from what it means to be a prophet in the biblical sense.   A prophet is simply someone who points out things we may miss or overlook; someone who, in his or her words and actions, calls people to pay attention to God in our midst.  

The closest a biblical prophet will come to “foretelling the future” is when they simply read the signs of the times and proclaim the obvious results of current behavior, not unlike someone saying “If you smoke cigarettes you are likely to get sick” or “If you keep eating all that cheese cake this holiday season you are going to resemble Santa Claus in more ways than just his generous spirit.”  A prophet, in the biblical sense, is someone with common sense and great courage who is not afraid to point out the obvious, even if it’s an unpopular observation (mind you, this is not to say you should tell Aunt Sally to lay off the cheesecake…).

John the Baptist may seem bizarre to us.  Some may even say he is profoundly off-his-rocker.    Safe to say he is not the vision of religious propriety.  He is an unlikely prophet; an unexpected instrument for God’s voice….But so are we.  And so is the story we are bid to keep alive. 

Every faithful Jewish believer, including all Jesus’ disciples, fully expected that God’s kingdom would come in the traditional display of power and glory; the ancient version of ‘shock and awe.’   But instead God came in the weakness and vulnerability of an infant…and then in the end did not strike back but rather loved and prayed for us as we put him through unimaginable violence on the cross.  Very unexpected. 

Perhaps John’s bizarre ways are our cue to keep our eyes and ears attentive to the unusual ways God is still acting and present…and perhaps the unusual things God is calling us to do and become.  We are God’s ongoing and sometimes rather “odd” incarnation. 

So John the Baptist is really a perfect companion for us during Advent.  His “strangeness” and the urgency of his message startle us.  “Reform your lives!  Prepare the way for God!  Make straight your paths!  Envision anew!  Take time to reflect on your priorities.  Think about how your actions reflect your values!   What if this is your last Christmas?   Do you want to spend it racing around from store to store, stressed out and harried?  Is that what really matters to you?  Repent! 

John is a man who lived what he preached, a prophet whose integrity & zeal demands a hearing and haunts us in our complacency.  God’s voice in one wild package….

Send your CCQ to dre@ctredeemer.org