I think it’s a great irony that every year during Advent our readings at Mass so strongly feature John the Baptist because what could be further from our homey holiday ideal of our families all cozied up around the soft glow of tiny tree lights, joyfully exchanging gifts than this wild, haggard, severe prophet? John the Baptist is so profoundly off his rocker!
Imagine a Christmas card with a cover that reads “From our home to yours this holy season…” and then inside there’s this alarming close-up picture of John the Baptist with his fierce eyes, looking dusty and lean from his desert diet of grasshoppers and God-knows-what - screaming at the top of his lungs (veins popping) “REPENT YOU BROOD OF VIPERS!!!” - Merry Christmas from the Browns :)
When I jokingly suggested to my husband that if we wanted to be true to scripture, we should send out a Christmas card like this, he one-upped me and said that maybe we should snap our annual family Christmas card photo on one of “those mornings” when our girls are late for school, frantic but still half-asleep running around aimlessly and I am slapping lunches together in my stained and torn pajama pants with my just woke up “Alice Cooper”-like, smeared mascara eyes and wild hair –urgently screaming directives “Change your underwear! Eat your breakfast! Forget the polished, professional family portrait - THIS would be a Christmas greeting in true John the Baptist style…honest and raw.
But John’s intensity grab us, right? His urgency breaks through the blur of daily living combined with Christmas madness, and his message is very similar to our theme tonight. Prepare. Prepare the way of the Lord through a sincere repentance….a transformative change of heart.
But, what does this preparation look like?
I can only speak for myself, but I found Fr. Ron Rolheiser’s advice on this very helpful. He advises we begin by identifying what is making us sad, because more often than not this will lead us to where true repentance is needed in our lives. Because sin isn't about "offending" God, but rather holding God at arms length. God only asks that we try to be our best selves, which naturally leads to connection and belonging. Sin is anything that alienates us from our true selves, God, and each other. It’s about not being true to our design.
For example, one morning on my way to work, I was on the service drive because there was a mess of construction and traffic on the expressway. I was passing through a very over developed area; there wasn’t a park or even a significant bunch of trees around within miles…all strip malls and asphalt.
While painfully creeping in traffic I noticed out my passenger window, standing elegantly, not even 20 feet from the street, next to an over-filled dumpster in the parking lot of a 7-11 was this beautiful deer breathing in the fumes from all the traffic and eating the little tufts of dusty grass that were struggling to break through the cracks in the concrete.
The vision of this deer arrested me. I did a little double-take because it was so out of place. I thought to myself, I bet that deer doesn’t have long to live before she runs into traffic or simply gets sick from the limited, dirty food and stress she is enduring due to living in such an urban area. The deer was surviving, but not living the life for which she was created. She was not living the optimal life of a deer. Not living as God intended.
So it is I think sometimes with us. We are not living optimally as human beings. We are not living as we were designed to live. A large majority of us are stressed, depressed, isolated and rather fear-filled.
We are surviving, but we are not living the life for which we were designed….but like that deer, we are relatively unaware of how malnourished we really are…we don’t really see how our choices and culture sometimes rob us of the rich life that God has intended for each of us…
This is the true danger of sin. That we slowly become unaware of how it is hurting us. It’s not that God would ever withhold forgiveness, God’s mercy is without boundary or breaking point. But through our choices we can distance ourselves from God, from one another and from our true selves. Sin robs us of our ability to live the life for which we were made. It makes us unable to connect with others and to experience joy.
What makes me sad these days is that I have a deep longing to use my God-given gifts to the full and really admire people who, from my perspective, are succeeding in this way. I really admire excellence. And even though my coworkers and people close to me say I’m very efficient and use my time well, most days I still feel like I’m failing (at least a little bit) at everything. My kids are fed, housed and safe but I’m not excelling at motherhood. There is so much more that I would like to do, prepare better meals, read all my favorite books with them, bake cookies together….but I’m unable because I’m too busy doing my job, which I am certain could be done better by someone else, who has the time to read every book that needs to be read, finish every project that needs doing and go to all the conferences to become truly exceptional.
And as for my house, the white flag of surrender to clutter has been flying for years now. But I still feel fresh anxiety and sadness every time I see a huge dust-bunny, fingerprints in some of the most impossible places…I cringe every time I pass the bent molding that has been begging to be fixed for years now.
I really consider myself an “all in” kind of gal, but you wouldn’t know it from all the ½ read books, ½ swept floors, ½ finished crafty gifts, ½ empty laundry baskets. I don’t feel like I ever get to spend enough time with those I love. I am not caring for my aging parents as I would like. I want to be a better citizen and neighbor. I want to exercise more..and the list goes on. I just never feel I am doing enough or am chronically questioning if I am doing the right things with my limited time.
I really believe we live the lives we fashion, and I know I have chosen the path of working motherhood….I don’t expect it to be easy, but many days I feel defeated from the time my feet hit the floor. I feel more like a compulsive “human doing” not a human being. This is not of God. This is not what I was created for…
I can see your heads nodding, so I suspect I’m not alone in this struggle, yes? So, if this compulsion and feeling of defeat doesn’t come from God, where does it come from and how do we silence it?
Thomas Merton was once asked what is the leading spiritual disease of our time. With one word he answered, “efficiency.” He said that our problem is not so much our ‘badness’ as our ‘busyness.’ We are so busy with our to-do lists and packed calendars that we do not take time to reconnect with our source, and really stop to listen and hear God whisper the sweet nothings of love and acceptance in our ear that are like water to a flower. We are starved for the nourishment that comes from taking our Sabbath rest and hearing God’s voice anew.
This year I had one of those grand moments of clarity. I always joked that my tombstone is going to read “Here lies Lisa. She was very efficient.” Until it almost came to be.
At about 3AM in the morning on April 17th I suffered a cardiac arrest at home, in bed. Miraculously my husband, who can usually sleep through a freight train, became curious about some strange noises from my side of the bed just in time to see me pass out and feel my pulse cease. He and my 13-year-old daughter took turns giving me CPR until EMS arrived. I was shocked twice on the floor of my bedroom.
From all the reports it looks like I was dead between 10-16 minutes. I spent the next 2 days in an induced hypothermic coma and two weeks in ICU. The survival rate for out of-hospital cardiac arrest is only 6%, and of those 6% even fewer live without significant and lasting brain, liver and/or kidney damage. I am very happy to report I am a member of that very small percentage. They still don’t know what caused this kind of electrical short that caused my heart to flutter and eventually stop, but all my doctors are in agreement that stress played a part. I’ve been told I was the winner of both the worst and the best lotteries all in the span of a couple days.
As you might imagine, this experience has brought with it a teeny tiny shake up of my priorities. My day to day life has not changed much…still a packed calendar…but I’m on the road of redemption in how I respond to it…
The month of recovery made it clear that I have to very intentionally stop, get quiet and bask like a cat in the sun in the loving gaze of God every day…without exception. For nourishment.
Because only when I unplug and still my mind, can I begin to hear the only voice that quiets my obsessive inner critic…the still, small, voice of God that says “I love you…you are enough…worthiness is not a prerequisite for my affection. You are mine.”
I still have to remind myself that times of rest, solitude and prayer are not lavish, self-indulgent, or optional aspects of the Christian life…They are non-negotiable essentials…observing the Sabbath is a commandment for a reason.
Sometimes I hear God in silence, sometimes in scripture or my favorite spiritual writers….
I read this gem from Maria Boulding this morning “God doesn’t love us despite of our faults and failures, but rather in and through them we are being emptied, being broke open and brought into deeper intimacy with God and one another. God works in and through our failure to bring about the kingdom!
Our faults force us to shed our self-sufficiency and masks of perfection and accept redemption, knowing that we have not earned it by our accomplishments. Our weakness cultivates a deeper vulnerability, compassion and acceptance towards others – the very hallmarks of a follower of Jesus.
Like the song from the late Leonard Cohen
“Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in."
Dr. Brene Brown says “Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we're all in this together.”
I have found it nourishing lately to ponder God’s image in the Trinity. If we believe, and God has revealed, that God in Gods-self is a community of mutual love and equality, and we have been created in God’s image - then whenever we find ourselves freely giving or receiving love we are living true to our design. We image God not alone, but together.
Dr. Brene Brown says “One of the greatest barriers to connection is the cultural importance we place on "going it alone." Somehow we've come to equate success with not needing anyone. Many of us are willing to extend a helping hand, but we're very reluctant to reach out for help when we need it ourselves. It's as if we've divided the world into "those who offer help" and "those who need help." The truth is that we are both.” (Brene Brown)
Alone, we are not the Messiah, but together, as we are designed to function, we can do amazing things. Like the bees and ants found in nature, as individuals – none of us are the whole enchilada, so to speak. But, we are also not powerless or expendable. Each of us – warts and all - are unique and important pieces of God’s puzzle; an irreplaceable part of the body of Christ, equipped and called to make a special contribution to the on-going revelation and redeeming action of Christ in our world.
Odd though it may be, we are the vehicle of choice for God’s grace.
As St. Paul says “God’s strength is made perfect in our weakness.” We are “made perfect” by loving and accepting our limited, human, selves and others in their imperfection and in doing so we are bringing about God’s kingdom. (2 Cor 12:9) God’s perfection is found in US not ME.
So preparing our hearts through repentance might mean actively silencing our inner critic, reaching out to heal our broken relationships, connecting in a deeper, more intimate way with one another. Speaking our faults and failures to God and others, which saps them of their power to make us sad.
Recognizing and asking forgiveness restores intimacy, enables us to drop our masks and stop hiding our imperfect, rickety selves and brings an openness and trust that enables us to truly enter into the joy of the season.
This is the repentance – the vital preparation, that John the Baptist is desperately urging us to embrace with all our might this Advent.
And this repentance, by necessity, is worked out not alone in isolation, but rather in our relationships, so this highly interactive and social time of Advent is a perfect season for THIS type of “preparation.”
A final note, my daughter says she learned CPR from watching Grey’s Anatomy. I very seriously considered not allowing her to watch that show, for a million reasons. In fact, in a very real way I felt like a failure as a parent when I caved on that fight…
But, alas, I’m alive and now she wants to be a doctor! So, ALL things work together for the good…and Dr. McDreamy is not to be underestimated!
Wishing you and your family every blessing this holy season…thank you.
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