When is my child ready for the Sacrament of Reconciliation?
A quick story: My daughter Lauren was in fourth grade at the time and her sister Audrey in second. One day I picked them up from school and Lauren was enjoying a yummy candy bar. Audrey asked “Where did you get that?” Lauren replied “From Joel.” Now, Joel happened to be Audrey’s best friend at the time (the plot thickens). So Audrey, understandably, was very confused. She asked Lauren with the deep pain of being jilted in her voice “So, Joel gave YOU a candy bar but didn’t send one for me? Why would he do that?” Lauren just shrugged her shoulders and continued to enjoy her candy. Audrey was just devastated. Feeling snubbed, the big crocodile tears started to roll and Audrey cried “I just don’t understand Momma, why would Joel give Lauren candy and not me? Do you think he isn’t my best friend anymore?” I tried to comfort Audrey “Oh honey, I’m sure you are still Joel’s best friend, maybe he only had one piece of candy…etc, etc.”
Eventually we were driving in silence; I not knowing how to comfort Audrey any further as she continued to whimper in confusion and Lauren being unusually quiet. As we pulled into the driveway, all of a sudden Lauren blurted out “Mom, I need to tell you something! Joel actually gave me two pieces of candy, one for me and one for Audrey….but I ate them both.” Audrey’s face first registered relief that Joel hadn’t forgotten her and then I had to diffuse the rightful tirade of anger and indignation she wielded at her sister. After the dust settled and apologies were made, Audrey left in a huff to go into the house and Lauren and I stayed in the car to chat about what she thought her punishment for this selfish act should be. Her response was classic. “Mom, I don’t care how you punish me…I’m just glad I told you because I was soooo sweating!!!” It was at that moment I knew Lauren was ready for the Sacrament of Reconciliation!
Our Catholic guidelines recommend that children should begin preparation at the “age of discretion” (usually ages 7-9) when they can determine right from wrong to the best of their ability with the right intentions. Parents are the best judges for when the time is right (and, of course, the primary Catechists of what is morally right and wrong).
There is a helpful study by Harvard Professor Lawrence Kohlberg that identifies 6 stages of moral development. Opinions vary, but many think our Catholic “age of discretion” lands around stage 4 and hopefully will continue to grow with the guidance of all of us – the faithful, the Church - into Stage 6. Though, there are still adults stalled in stage 1 and some kids who have already arrived at stage 6, so everyone is different.
Kohlberg’s Stages of Moral Development in short:
Stage 1: I do it so I don't get in trouble
Stage 2: I do it so I get something out of it
Stage 3: I do it so you like me
Stage 4: I do it because it is the law, and I respect the law
Stage 5: I do it because of a social contract we have with each other
Stage 6: I do it because it is the right thing to do
If you feel your child is ready to celebrate the Sacrament of Reconciliation (traditionally in 4th grade here at CTR), please register for one of our two upcoming workshops on Mar 23 or 24 at 7PM by emailing eduadmin@ctredeemer.org or call the office.
Incidentally, surveys show that 42% of Catholic adults, when asked how often they went to confession, answered “Never.” Without a doubt, if we parents don’t “get” this Sacrament, it is rather certain our children won’t either. So, maybe this Lent we can be intentional about taking a fresh look at this great gift from our church….for ourselves and for our kiddos!
These GREAT videos listed below are a terrific start – and only 11 minutes in total!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wz5-vu6A58E (Overview)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJg29UG6028 (A step-by-step of what we “do”)
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